Three Common Conflict Mistakes Couples Make (& How to Avoid Them)

Conflict is part of every relationship, but the way you handle it can make all the difference. Here are three common mistakes couples make during conflict — and how you can do better:  

1. Finger Pointing

When things go wrong, it’s tempting to blame your spouse: “If you hadn’t…” or “This is your fault!” While it might feel satisfying in the moment, finger-pointing only puts your partner on the defensive.  

Instead, focus on what you can do to improve the situation. Use “I” statements to express how you feel, like “I felt hurt when…” rather than “You always…” Taking ownership of your feelings creates a space for understanding rather than escalating the argument. 

2. Power Plays 

Yelling louder to make your point or stonewalling (shutting down and refusing to talk) are common “power plays” couples use during conflict. These tactics don’t resolve issues — they amplify them.  

Conflict isn’t about winning; it’s about understanding. Take a breath and create a safe space for both of you to be heard. If emotions are running high, agree to pause and revisit the discussion when you’re both calm. Remember, the goal is resolution, not domination.  

3. Facts Over Feelings 

It’s easy to focus on the facts of the argument: “I said this, you did that.” But in relationships, how your partner feels often matters more than the specifics.  

This is especially true for women, who often need to feel cared for before they’re ready to hear logical arguments. As the saying goes: “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

During a disagreement, ask yourself this question: “Why is my spouse behaving this like? What’s going on that’s triggered this?” Genuinely listen to find out. Ask, if needed. Validating your spouse’s emotions doesn’t mean you’re admitting fault; it means you’re prioritising the connection over the conflict.  

Conflict doesn’t have to be a wedge in your relationship — it can be a chance to grow closer. By avoiding blame, striving for connection instead of control, and prioritising feelings over facts, you’ll strengthen your bond, even during disagreements.